TALKING IS EXCHANGING: WORDS AND WORLDS...
- Marcelle
- 29 sept. 2016
- 6 min de lecture
Talking, exchanging, it sounds simple, but we are not always aware of the effect we have, the emotion we share or the one we provoke in the person we are talking to.
Because even if we share the same language, each of us has his own way of expressing himself, due to his family habits, his culture, his work habits, his own childhood wounds, the social or geographical environment in which he operates, and so on. But also, everyone shares much more than words, sometimes even their own pain, without necessarily being aware of it.
So, even when we express our hearts, when we really try to be understood, we sometimes find ourselves in surprising situations of misunderstanding.
Human needs in interaction
In his book "Cultural Foundation of Personality" (1945), the anthropologist Ralph Linton tells us about the needs of individuals, their role in human behaviour and their influence on interactions. Although it is difficult to classify these needs, the universal need that seems to be most important is the response to emotional needs: "It is this need to respond, and especially to respond favourably, that essentially determines human beings to behave in socially acceptable ways. we conform to the customs of our society as much out of a desire for approval as out of fear of punishment. "
Then there is the need for security, which is also universal, and the less restrictive need for novelty. The first, of course, refers to our own need to protect ourselves from aggression (each of us has our own "Achilles' heel"), the second to the exchange of values (learning, discovering...), although sharing and resharing often also satisfies the need for security, precisely.
Nonverbal communication
Apart from the personal expectations of the protagonists in the verbal exchange, which often lead to misunderstandings if they are not clear, not verbalised, not accepted and/or not recognised, there are also many possible interferences that can contribute to a misunderstanding: it is the non-verbal language. Of course, there is the tone, which confirms what is said or the other way round; sarcasm, aggression, malice, offensive/defensive, etc. This is the easiest non-verbal aspect to recognise. But there is also a long list of other signals that make up almost 70% of the communication during an interaction!
According to Y. Winkin (The new communication, Seuil, 1981), who defines and studies communication as "a permanent social process", here is a list of these signals "speech, gesture, gaze, facial expression, interpersonal space, etc.". Add to this silence, gestures, posture, facial expressions, tone of voice, cadence of speech, clothing, [make-up, scars, tattoos, piercing] ... and you have a complete auditory message. They express emotions, feelings, values, (social class, health status). We are constantly sending and receiving non-verbal cues that pass through facial expressions, gestures and postures, voice tone, clothing, hair, make-up, smell, silence, touch.
All these signals reinforce and lend credibility to the verbal message when it is adapted, but they can also discredit or contradict what is expressed verbally.
Subtle Energy
In addition to this long list, there are all the non-visual signals that we feel intuitively or instinctively. Even with verbal and non-verbal hyper-control, we send out waves, an energy that emanates from our body through our aura (our subtle body), which is quite impossible to control!
Of course, not everyone will be aware of it, but everyone who works a little would be able to. This is another subject.
According to Robert Bruce, "The human aura is both an energy field and a reflection of the body's vital energies. These energies make us who we are and are also influenced by our environment and lifestyle. The aura reflects our health, our character, our mental activity and our emotional state. It also shows illness - often long before symptoms appear. ". Thus, during a conversation, the aura energy is constantly moving and changing colours depending on the emotional states we are in, the memories the conversation is reflecting, the postures we are in, etc.
Some simple rules for working in the present continuous
Many studies have been carried out on this subject, we will not make an exhaustive list, but simply quote some basic rules, some relating to the language itself, others, such as the Toltecs' agreements, relate more deeply to the person speaking...
Rules for a quality verbal exchange
Talk to yourself, not about yourself, "I love it when you wear a skirt" instead of "you should wear a skirt".
If I did not love myself, I could not love or receive love from others.
Distinguishing between feeling and relationship, "I can love you, but our relationship is not good".
Never confuse the person and their request or behaviour.
I will never question the other person's feelings, I "confirm" them: "I understand you're angry. I see your frustration".
It is not what happens to me that is important, but that I do what I feel: to take responsibility on ourselves is to realise that if I live feeling or emotion, it is my creation (according to my story), so it is my responsibility to take care of it.
Behind the accusation (charge) there is an unformed demand.
Any request that is not formulated does not have to be fulfilled.
Everyone is free to accept or reject another's request. Otherwise it is a terrorist relationship where one needs the other to satisfy his needs = parent/child relationship.
To build a healthy relationship, the first step is that each person knows how to define themselves by clearly expressing their request to the other.
Be faithful to yourself, be authentic: Say a yes that means yes, say a no that means no.
Create conditions in which everyone feels free and safe to ask, to refuse, to give and to receive.
Ensure that everyone's relational needs are adequately met:
o Need to tell me
o Need to be heard
o Need to be recognised
o Need to be valued
o Need for privacy
o Need to belong
o Need to create, influence
Comply with toltec agreements 1
According to the author, the 4 Toltec Agreements are rules of life that help men and women to calm down, get to know themselves better and take a considerable weight off their shoulders when it comes to human relationships.
Let your speech be impeccable
Speak with integrity, say only what you think. Do not speak against yourself or speak ill of others.
Do not react personally to anything.
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their dream. If you are immunised against it, you will not be a victim of needless suffering.
Do not make assumptions
Have the courage to ask questions and express your true wishes. Communicate clearly with others to avoid sadness, misunderstanding and drama.
Always do your best
Your 'best' changes from moment to moment. Whatever the circumstances, just do your best and you will avoid judging yourself, blaming yourself and having regrets.
Be sceptical, but learn to listen
Do not believe yourself or anyone else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: is it really the truth? Listen to the intention behind the words and you will understand the real message.
Be in tune with our inner self
In order not to contradict ourselves in a verbal exchange with these waves that we send out, there are simple rules to try and practise in every moment.
We have said in the previous rules that it is essential to be in harmony with one's inner self; we can sometimes be instinctively aware of this, but we can also be at odds with ourselves without realising it. For this and for each of us, a personal introspective work is necessary in the first place, but also a constant work of knowing ourselves: finding out who we really are. Constantly, because it is "the way" that counts more than the goal, and our relationships and exchanges with others are also used for this, to recognise, to re-connect with ourselves and with others.
You never meet someone by chance, whether for an hour, a day, a month, a year or more. Every relationship is a "mirror" moment, reflecting just a bit of who I am. So the exchange, the interaction, simply shows us or teaches us something related to our inner self: to enrich, to become aware, to repair, to discover, to accept, to change, to become aware... this is the way to get to know oneself again...
In order to satisfy our need for novelty, it is essential to learn and accept ourselves, it is THE way, first of all, not to relive conversations in series: if a conversation comes and we do not see, hear or learn anything, the subject will probably come up again in another form, perhaps with other people, so that the "positive" teaching takes us forward on our personal path.
In this way we get to know ourselves and others better, we accept ourselves, we love ourselves better, and we learn to recognise our deepest needs and above all to respond to them simply. For example, to say yes or not fully, to refuse and to accept in conscience. So we send out waves that reflect our wellbeing, we are in CONSISTENCY.
This CONSISTENCE gives us peaceful relationships, quality interactions and quiet refusal of those who cannot bring us anything.
1 These agreements are developed and discussed in the two works below:
• "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, Paris, Youth Publishing, 1999 (first edition), 2006 (pocket version).
• "The fifth Toltec agreement" Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz, Paris, Guy Trédaniel publisher, 2010.
Marcelle Godefroid
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